Letter to Shaun – the most marvelous being on this earth….

Dear Shaun

I have just finished your book Josie Journey… and I felt so sad about the whole thing.., but yet wish to first of all complement you for going through such a tough situation in life bravely although it would be next to impossible to return back what has been lost. I know how heartbreaking it may have been on you…and your spirits…As I went through the pages I was almost drowned in melancholy. I can say that you are living ordinary life in an extraordinary way…and you will get your love tomorrow, in your next birth, if you are really longing for. I have a deep desire to visit Nantlle Village (I think it was where Trigonos was, we spend during the retreat in 2006) and Josie School….and even going to Cape Town in South Africa….like you, I have been also yo-yoing back and forth between periods of hope and sadness….

I have also gone though severe emotional catastrophe, but I have realized to sing away troubles in a stoic way which I learned from Gita (the great Indian scripture)… Within myself I realized a huge potentiality – to overcome pain, stress and sufferings. I was constantly been submitted to emotional difficulties, disappointments and problems that were often on a large scale, making up the daily lot of my life. Conclusion, my anguish and my complexes, my permanent state of optimistic anxiety pushed me towards a second state that turned me into sky individual, one who is capable to act for the best in the most inappropriate moments….and I am sure, this is what you have done and doing now….

Love always seemed eluding to me…. I have had insurmountable difficulties in love….. The unrelenting emotional cataclysm that I was locked up within, were the causes of considerable disruption in my emotional state, the sort of disruption that nearly killed me. And what followed were long spells of leave-me-alone moments. Many-a-time worries left me torpid, the feelings that I had hit rock bottom hovered. But because of my tight research assignments, I bounced back to normalcy. I dealt with issues head on as they cropped up. Sometimes the fallout was pretty vicious. And now I realize, whatever happened was not real – it was all illusion. It was created. It was because of external reasons – not of my own. That egged me on to create my own belief – very strong one, that of eternal optimism, faith and bliss. But I kept telling myself, that inner happiness has never been so close to me as at this moment, and that I have all that is necessary to reach such happiness, on the condition that I desire it with true intensity. I wanted myself to be in the best possible state of mind to benefit from it in all its glory, I did want that!

I think one can overcome all the obstacles and the inhibitions that life has erected in our way through positive thoughts.

The evening becomes difficult…very melancholic…very difficult to get ahead of time… seclusion is becoming the reality…I am trying hard to be in high spirits even though my heart fails to do so…I have been yo-yoing back and forth between periods of hope and sadness. Day is different…light gives me strength and reason to live…the hectic activity of my research and teaching keeps me fully occupied and prevents my mind from wandering off into darker avenues of thought…night gets tough…now it seems I will have to live with this emptiness …I don’t know for how long I will have to train my mind to avoid grief and distress…. I don’t know for how long I will be able to block out painful thoughts and turn instead to optimistic and cheerful ones….My mind simply freezes into a dreamy world – kind of an unthinking void… I usually have a vague and indistinct recollection of seeing myself, as though from the outside, performing as if I were in a movie…or sometimes acting as an audience…often seeing my old friends…in college…or sipping coffee in a wintry evening…!
Yours….